it's a miracle

It's been said that in order to overcome one's fears, one has to face them. That's what I did today.

The facing, anyway. I'm not so sure the overcoming thing will ever actually happen.

I'm absolutely, 100% TERRIFIED of heights. Generally, if I get up too high, I suddenly become paralyzed with fear and have a hard time even breathing, let alone moving around. Then comes the dizziness, the tensing, it's not a pretty picture. Falling is one of the scariest things imaginable to me. I don't even really like being at the top of a set of stairs. I can contain myself if I'm simply high up in a building on the inside (the Sears Tower, for instance) or the barriers go up high enough I realize that there's really no possible way I can fall to my death unless I climb up them (the Seattle Space Needle). I still wouldn't set up camp there, but I can function like a normal person and it's really just a small flicker of unease in the back of my mind.

And then there are times like today. Times when my boss was attempting to teach me the ways of the trade and the inner workings of large buildings. We have a whole list and the goal is to go through everything on the list during the span of the summer. It's a beautiful day today. She came into my office and asked me where I'd like to start. I looked everything over and chose the one that would result in being outside. I saw that it included the roof, but I figured it's a pretty big roof and people go up there all the time, I'm sure it'll be fine. I'll be a little scared, but I just won't get too close to the edge. It'll be fine. (see how I was already trying to talk myself into it? Yea...)

As soon as we walked through the door onto the roof, I was experiencing a mild form of panic. The walkway was MUCH narrower than I would have guessed, and I also would not have anticipated quite so many different levels to the roof. I was able to keep it under control, as there is a little ledge and if I had to get right up next to it, I could crouch down so as to feel safer. We didn't spend a lot of time next to the edge (I even managed to appreciate the spectacular view such a perch provided) and pretty soon we were checking out the interior of the roof, and the machinery and everything. It was all very interesting.

And then she wanted to show us the cooling tower. Note the word "tower" implying it was at the very tippy top of the roof. Which it was. We had to crawl up not one, but two little metal ladder type things to get up there. No safety net, no big cushion in case we fell. Just death and despair (yes. dramatic. I know. I'm trying to give you a feel for it)

My initial internal reaction was something like this:

THERE IS NO #%&^$%@ WAY IN @#$^ I AM GOING UP THOSE @$%^@# LADDERS. ARE YOU #%&^#@$%@ CRAZY?!?!!?! I WILL #%&#$@ DIE!

My brain stepped in for a moment and I realized that probably wasn't the best thing to scream at my boss. Then my pride stepped in and I realized that the little girl (ok, so she's probably like 19. She's an intern. Whatever) who was with us was all about climbing the ladders. And so was my boss. Didn't phase either of them one bit. At that point I decided there was no way I was going to look weak or scared in front of my boss. I don't know why this was such a big deal today, I mean this is a woman who has seen me at my absolute worst. Saying I was uncomfortable going on the roof would have been NOTHING compared to that. I don't know, maybe that's why I decided to be a hero (in my own mind) today.

Anyway, up I went. Scary deathtrap ladder #1. Deep breath. Scary deathtrap ladder #2. Sigh of relief. Honestly, I wasn't terribly concerned about going up, but with each step I thought to myself, "oh god I have to go back down again" over and over. For a minute I thought I was going to have to live on the roof of my building for the rest of my life.

Long story short (or long) I made it. There and back again. Safely (though I still don't know how I made it back down those stairs). No outward panic, no terror sweats, no inappropriate outbursts of hysteria. I'm back safely at my desk, but I'll be honest, I'm completely exhausted. The level of concentration it took not to lose my mind while on that roof has resulted in draining a good portion of my energy.

I'm most definitely going to the movies after work today. Then I'm having a big drink.

Happy weekend!